At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
