I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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