I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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