I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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