yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
