The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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