I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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