ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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