i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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