I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize