I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
