some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
