Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
God, I missed his penis.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
