If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
