dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
