i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
