Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
