??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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