i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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