i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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