Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
