Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
