come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I touched a dick in church today
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
