I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
