I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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