Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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