My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
