my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
