I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
