Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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