They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
