Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
