I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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