giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
