meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
