even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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