I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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