I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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