So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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