my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Semen is not good for contacts.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
