o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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