it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
