Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
