she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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