Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
