I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
