yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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