its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
