I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
