god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
