She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
