I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
