Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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