I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
