Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
