yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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