I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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