I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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