Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's never too late to be topless.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
