i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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